Parenting your Child’s Child

A trend occurring today is reshaping the lives of many parents who had looked forward to enjoying their retirement years. Having raised their own children, they anticipate the freedom to travel, take up new hobbies, and rediscover each other. However, these grandparents are now "parents" again - raising their children's children and often providing housing and financial support for their adult child.

AARP states a nationwide statistic of 6.3% of children under the age of 18 (4.5 million) are living in grandparent-headed households. According to the 2000 Census, 2,350,477 grandparents are raising their second set of "children".

These grandparents are placed in this situation due to the death or imprisonment of one or more of their child's parents, due to military deployment, drug or alcohol abuse, or by court order. These grandparents may be actively involved on a daily basis with their grandchildren if their children are living with them.

The grandparents are now in this situation because the parent had no choice but to ask for help. The grandparent often may have no choice but to respond. The grandchild generally has no choice and may exhibit negative or positive behaviors as a result of this alternative family structure.

As you build up a relationship with your grandchild, it important to view the new situation as an opportunity to be a positive influence. If you can direct your grandchild to control his own future on purpose (destiny/ spirituality/inner self), and you love him regardless of his choice, you will always be a positive factor in his or her development.

Many children have been raised successfully by both parents and grandparents. The more input the child gets that is either secure or insecure is determined by the number of relationships that are in the mix.

The secure child sees the world as:
Secure to make my way and help the world as I go.
Secure to have my own way.
Secure to look (or ask) for help when I need it.

The insecure child sees the world as:
Insecure so I am afraid to ask for help.
Insecure and more afraid as I approach others.
Insecure and defensive when others approach me.
Insecure about getting my needs met or I will die.

As a grandparent you may have no choice but to raise your child's child. Your situation may not present any options other than accepting this new family situation. You may say, "But I just want to correct the problem! I envy the retired!. I want to play golf or join a club or fish. I would like to pretend that I have more control over my own time and space. Now that I am retired, I want to enjoy my spouse and my hobbies (reading / movie watching / entertaining / singing / bicycling / walking) and suddenly I am responsible for raising another child. I know that I’d be a little less stressed if my situation were different."

If you are an older parent and consequently older grandparent, you may not be feeling healthy enough to care for a child. This can be very stressful particularly if your grandchild is not reacting positively in this environment.

In Play Therapy we say children are not problems to be solved. So we focus on the child, not on the problem. We present an environment where the child can feel free to act out his or her feelings. This therapy can be instrumental in creating a less stressful relationship among the grandparents, the parent, and the child.